Where did I go wrong?

I had an appointment with my college adviser to make sure I'm on the right track to graduate (two more quarters and i'll be done!!). Everything was going great; I was talking to her about my possible plans after I graduate and she seemed as stoked as I was until....she decided to rain on my fucken parade! I am aware my g.p.a is low and I am also aware that graduate schools look at our grades and our GPA. I have come a long way for someone that doesn't even know me tell what what I already know I need to do in order to raise my GPA. She said "I see that you are really serious about graduate school but we need to work on this " *pointing at my GPA* and I told her that I was aware and that I was pretty close and to that she said "well 2.89 is not that close, you would have to get straight A's to get to a 3.0 at least.." REALLY??? REALLY??? thank you so fucken much for have a little bit of fucken faith in me. I gotta say, i feel pretty fucke proud of myself as I have come a long way and I'm still here and graduating pretty soon. I must be doing something right, don't you think? Well thanks very ,uch for making feel like shit as if I didn't have enough with how hard I am on myself. I am not afraid to say that I have failed many classes. I am not afraid to say that I have struggled and I still do. College is not easy. Please put yourself in my shoes (if you don't go to college). Things don't come easy to me. I am not smart, I just try my best to learn and get by. As of now, she crushed me but if I know I want to go to graduate school then i fucken will because i know what i want to do with my life.....I still want to know how I've made it this far but at times it doesn't matter. I have failed and I am not scared to say it. I just wish people wouldn't be so judgmental. Just because I am in college does not mean I am perfect and it does not mean I know everything. Be kind to one another, support one another. If you have friends/family/relatives in college and are or are not struggling just support them and be there for them in their journey. Being in college has made me grumpy, sad, anti social, tired, physically and spiritually weak/tired and I am trying to make it through and I've been doing a good job at it, I just don't let people know how I feel. My parents don't know and neither do my brothers and even close friends. I am alone in this journey (in a way) because at times people can't really understand my pain and what I am going through. All i know is that I am doing it and I am truly trying :)

Feeding the mind..

I just read a blog that made me think and realize many many things. First, I wonder why I don't take the time to do intellectual stuff like read for fun, read the newspaper, keep up with the latest news as opposed to the latest gossip. Why can't I read a whole article about what's going on in in the middle east without getting bored or wanting to search for the latest celebrity news. This is one thing I hate about myself and  I do admit to it. Many people have lost their hope in humanity because of the stupid shit we are capable of doing, all the stupid stuff that can get us our 15 minutes of fame.

I think this should be my new year's resolution: try to read more and learn more about the world and what's going on. I want to crave learning. I'm in college for god's sake, I should be motivated to learn!!

My friend posted a quote from the blog and a link. I loved the quote so I went on to read the blog. This person blogged about sexuality, a topic we all know well (or so I hope we do). And it is true what he said, why do we have to base everything in our sexuality? Why can't we love whoever we want? Why can't we change/shift roles once in a while? What if man stayed home and women went to work? I mean I'm sure nowadays some men are stay-home-dads but I'm sure not that many. I still don't understand why we can't break away from the biases and norms society has put up.

This reminds me of the time my mom told me she wanted me to marry someone who went to college. I mean sure that's always nice, but what if I fall in love with someone who works at a retail store or as a waiter? Why does it matter whether he graduated high school or if he went to college? I mean I'm all about education but why can't I be the provider? Why can't I take on the male role? What if one day unexpectedly I fall for a girl? DOES THAT REALLY MATTER? My mom says she has nothing against gay people, and I believe her. I have a cousin who is gay and my uncle (my mom's brother is also gay) but she doesn't think it's right or proper to be with a guy and then fall for a girl.

The quote my friend posted is the following:
"without stomping on anybody's sexual preference or history, I wonder what would happen we stopped thinking in terms of sexuality all together. What if we inhabited a cultural space where people's sexuality or gender was fluid, where you could be dating someone of a different gender one day and then up and decide, hey, you want to do this other thing now--without being ridiculed, guilted, or made to identify? What if we removed all the labels and just explored human sensations?"

Whether we agree or disagree about this, I am sure we all agree on one thing: Love is wonderful, we're all looking for that special someone. I don't think it's bad to have thought about what it would be like to be with someone of the same sex, I don't think that makes someone gay. I know I have thought about it and I also know that I have liked someone of my same sex. SO WHAT? Nonetheless, I do fear that if at some point in my life I find a girl whom I love and feel a connection with that I wouldn't know how to break it down to my parents  (though I know they'll understand, it's never that simple).

With this being said, have a lovely night and be free to love whoever you want. I know I won't judge :)

link to the blog: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/is-heterosexuality-real/#PDL3EDrKdyFvfQsu.99

of life lately....

Why is life so tricky? Am i the only one suffering? (Yeah, I doubt it.) I have always tried to be the best friend that i can, the best listener and the best advice giver. I have always tried to be there for my friends whether from far away or close by, right there with them. However, I've realized i'm a hypocrite. Even when i think i'm the nicest person and even when i try to be selfless, i still fail as a friend. I have been talking to someone (a boy!) for the past two months now and he is all i ever think of lately. My friend made it crystal clear to me even if she didn't say it directly but it was implied: I am a HORRIBLE friend. I feel like when a love interest appears in someone's life that's all they think of and just wanna spend time with them. I mean, who wouldn't. The two of you are getting to know each other, trying to find things in common, trying to find out whether it could possibly be something else than friendship. I live in santa cruz and i try to go home on the weekends (but not that often). The times that i've gone, i've hung out with this particular person that i forgot about my friends whom always ask me when i'm going to be in town. the friends whom i have told i'll hangout with them because i haven't seen them in forever. Yeah, that never happened. Does that make me a bad friend? Or is it something that is bound to happen given that i've never had a boyfriend. I don't know this is all confusing. My friendship with my friends is confusing, my relationship with this guy is confusing. One day I am completely in "love" with him, and the next day it can completely change. We are not exclusive yet we're not seeing other people. I honestly don't know where we stand. Are we dating? Are we just casually hanging out? Does he want to be more than a friend? Why is he so damn shy??!

I feel like i'm over-thinking the situation--like i always do--but i just can't help it. If it feels right, would't you find a way to make it happen?? It is 2012, why am i still waiting for him to make a move?

I don't want to lose my friends over someone who it is hard to say i really know. I need space, i need time to breathe....so much in my mind......

trying new things....

For some reason, I have always been afraid of trying new things  but i always end up doing them. I like to be spontaneous and though i think my life can be pretty boring i still end up having fun. Nonetheless, there are things that you can only do once because you end up not digging them. My friend's birthday was this past Thursday and she wanted to go to the club to celebrate, so we did. After going i realized that clubs aren't really what i'm all about, yeah i had fun but there were things i didn't like. For starters, this business of being a girl is not easy at all since there are a lot of components that come a long with our gender. For the past few years i've been trying to change the way i dress, be a little more girly and i must say it's been a challenge (haha). Two, wearing high heals is just not fun at all, i mean it takes practice but i just hate it! and three, there a lot of guys that just go to the club to hit on girls and check them out. I much rather go to concerts where nobody really cares how you're dress, what brand you are wearing etc etc.....I don't regret going because i truly had fun and i'm glad i'm being more open when it comes to trying new things because life is all about taking risks :)

I just hope i can remain myself in the process of growing up  

Everlong...

It's been months and months since i last blogged and i am having a hard time trying to figure out why and where i left off. I felt like i was using blogging as a diary (at times), i also felt like i was writing about the same things time and time again. But i guess those are issues/topics that matter to me so why over think it... who knows...

So much going on in my life thus far and i must say the feeling is overwhelming for reasons i cannot explain. A good friend of mine asked why i stopped blogging and he suggested i should start again....so here it is.

This is just the beginning of a semi-new chapter in my short and uneventful life.

let's start all over, shall we?

have a swell night! 

<3

Is it too late?

Keeping up with a blog can be hard (at least for me). I really enjoy reading other people's blogs and I can tell they take the time to update it as much--and often-- as possible. As much as I would want to make my blog public and by public I mean share it with friends and/or family, I don't know how I would feel or react to their reactions about my blog and what I write. Because of this, I much rather pretend there's somebody out there that I don't know that is reading or reads my blogs and it doesn't matter if they follow me or leave a comment, what matters is that they read it. I have so much in mind and I don't even know where to start or talk about next.

My third year in college is soon coming to an end (in 3 weeks or so!) and for once I wish time could slow down. I feel like I have learned to managed my time a little better but I feel like I fell short. I always doubt myself and always feels like I could have gone the extra mile. Oh well, no regrets I guess I have to learn from my mistakes (which I make too much of). Sometimes I feel it's a little too late to start all over or to fix certain things or to realize my mistakes...I don't know. This college business is a drag. About 85% of the time I feel, like I just want to sleep. But don't get me wrong, I am very much enjoying college but in a different way I guess. I am always complaining or thinking about what I'm going to do after I graduate or stressing about the fact that I've never had a boyfriend or that I've never been kissed. I am getting "old" and I have not experience what I think should have experienced a long time ago. It's just so sad that college has made me a little anti-social. Back home I have guy friends, in fact, my two best friends are guys, but here, I feel like I can hardly speak when I'm around a guy whether I think he's attractive or not and I just don't get why. 

I have always considered myself a super friendly person and outgoing. But now I feel hostile and full or hate (somewhat). Girls can be vicious (no, I did not just realize that) and guys can be a**holes. I am no way near perfect and I know I can be one of those vicious girls but I blame it on society (or should I?). I mean why can we all get along-- I don't care if this is hippie talk but why can't we? Nowadays we think too much about what people might think of us (yes, we do and I know it's hard to accept that) and we have to learn to let go of all that negativity. Just yesterday I came to an agreement with myself. I love to eat and no one is going to change that but me and I don't want to change that. I love my body and if I really wanted to be skinny like the models in a magazine I would have done that a long time ago. But I haven't. 

This world is constantly changing and I am not going to miss on all the wonderful things that one day might not exists. For now, I am going to take a trip back to the 60's and live so carefree and in harmony with myself and the people around me. Like my friend says karma will take care of those that are/were mean to us. My conscience is free of guilt. I know who I am and I don't want to pretend to be anybody else. 

With this said, I hope you all had a great long weekend because I know I sure did ;)

xoxo,

L.

I miss....

I miss going to the beach at night

I miss the sunset

I miss the sunrise

I miss myself

I miss going on random hikes on random days at random times

I miss riding my bike

I miss going on photoshoots

I miss going on little adventures

I miss feeling so carefree

I miss feeling young

I miss talking about boys

I miss talking about love

I miss laughing over silly little things

I miss life.